I'm Not Okay
by mrsbeas
Summary: Edward feels an instant connection when meeting his brother's college roommate, but ends up hurt when he finds him in a compromising position.  What will Edward do when Emmett invites Jasper home for Thanksgiving? AH, AU, E/J SLASH!


**I did a major edit of this story recently. I hope you guys enjoy it! Thanks to PTB for working on round 1! And this is slash, so if you're not into that, don't read!** ** Also, if you're currently reading the JPOV story and don't want the ending spoiled, hold off on reading this just a little longer!**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Sadly, the edits did not give me ownership of Edward or Jasper. Boo.**

* * *

I might be going into shock. Sitting on the couch in my living room, I'm aware that Emmett is still talking on the other end of my cell phone, but I've stopped hearing anything he says. As soon as he told me that he invited _him_ to our house for Thanksgiving break, the blood drained from by face and my stomach tied itself into knots. I think I'm going to be sick. I want to scream or cry.

Or throw up.

Instead, I stay silent, not trusting my voice not to break if I mention his name. Emmett doesn't know that ever since I returned from my trip visiting him at school I've stopped sleeping, stopped eating, stopped doing anything except wandering around like a fucking zombie. His voice breaks through my haze and I realize that he noticed I haven't responded to him. "Hey, Ed? Are you listening to me? Is everything okay? Are _you _okay?"

I'm sick of people asking me that question, because obviously, no, everything is not o-fucking-kay, least of all me. But rather than tell the truth, I answer, "Yeah, Em. Sorry, I must've zoned out there. I haven't been feeling really well this week." This excuse has stopped working on my parents and friends, but since Emmett is away at school, he doesn't know how withdrawn I've become in the weeks since I visited him.

"Listen, I gotta run, but I'll see you next week." I hang up before he has a chance to answer. Running my hands through my hair, I pull at the ends in frustration, because I don't know what else to do. I don't know how I'll stand having him in my house, so close to me. All I want to do is throw my cell phone across the room and watch it break into a hundred pieces; listen to the satisfying crack as a physical manifestation of my anger and hurt, but I can't even gather the energy to stand up. Instead, I lay on the couch, curling into myself, not allowing the wetness rimming my eyes to fall.

God, I've become such a pussy.

I've been trying to keep the memories at bay, but now that I know he'll be here in a week the wounds feel fresh again.

_I was so excited to check out the UDub campus. It was on my short list of colleges I planned on applying to and the fact that my brother already went there was a bonus. I figured Halloween weekend would be the perfect time to visit, because Emmett was sure to have met some cool people by then.  
_  
_I drove out on Friday afternoon and met Emmett in his dorm room. We had polished off a couple of beers when the door opened and his roommate, Jasper, walked in. I immediately noticed that he was a good looking guy – tan, with dirty blond curls falling into his face. Emmett introduced us and when Jasper grasped my hand, it felt like an electrical charge surged through my body. When he spoke, saying that it was pleasure to finally meet me, I couldn't help but be charmed by his southern drawl. I was barely able to respond with, "you, too," as a blush crawled up my cheeks, and the only thought racing through my mind was, 'What the fuck is going on with me?'  
_  
_I had never reacted to a guy like this before and had always considered myself straight. But, if I was being totally honest with myself, I'd never reacted to a girl like this either. I quickly excused myself to the restroom under the pretense of changing clothes for our night out just so I could get a hold on my emotions. After taking some deep breaths and repeating to myself several times that I was probably just horny, I shook off my confusion and headed back into Emmett's room and we left for a house party._

_Initially, I felt pretty shy around Jasper, but once I realized how much we had in common we ended up really hitting it off that night. Still, I couldn't explain the draw that I felt toward him and kept sneaking glances at him during the party, cataloguing his subconscious habits. He would run his right hand into his curls, hold them back for just a moment, then let go so they flopped back into his face, unable to be tamed. When he smiled, complete with dimples, his whole face lit up. When he laughed, he would throw his head back slightly and open his mouth wide. He casually followed up statements with a wink. If I did that, people would probably think I had a twitch, but on him it was charming. Watching him was mesmerizing.  
_  
_As the night progressed, Emmett decided he would 'do me a favor' and spend the night at his new girlfriend's place so I could sleep in his bed, rather than the floor. Jasper and I headed back to the dorms and I guess I had drank a little more than I realized, because when we reached the building I wobbled a bit on my feet as we headed up the stairs. Jasper put his arm around my waist to steady me and I felt the heat from his fingertips sear across my skin where he touched me. As he helped me up the stairs, my head lolled back against his shoulder and fell into his neck where I sucked in a deep breath of his spicy, masculine scent._

_My cock fucking twitched.  
_  
_The alcohol in my system kept me from questioning why my body was responding to him so strongly in that moment. When we got into the room I collapsed onto the first bed we reached. Flopping onto my back, I laughed at a joke Jasper made about how I was trying to steal his bed. It was wonderful... I was completely enveloped by his delicious scent. Ever the gentleman, he was kind enough to get me a glass of water and some aspirin, which I gratefully took._

_I felt the mattress slump down next to me and looked over to see Jasper laying on his side, leaning on his elbow. He was close enough to me where I could practically feel the heat radiating from his tanned skin. I turned on my side to face him - our faces were only separated by a few inches now and I knew that we were no longer in a socially acceptable position for two straight guys, but I no longer cared. He reached his hand out, cupping my cheek and whispered, "Edward, is this okay?"_  
_  
I told him that I felt drawn to him from the second that I saw him, and that I was nervous, but yes, it was okay for him to touch me. He told me he was gay, recently out and thought I was gorgeous, but also really enjoyed spending time with me tonight. And he noticed me watching him at the party. While telling me this, his thumb brushed back and forth over my cheekbone, eventually trailing down to rest on my lips. My lips puckered, almost involuntarily, planting a light kiss on the pad of his thumb. He groaned softly and I looked up into his eyes surprised to see that they were dark and hooded with desire. When his tongue came out to wet his bottom lip I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. I wanted to feel it all over my body, so I asked him to kiss me. Leaning forward, he pressed his soft lips against mine chastely. I knew he was moving slowly for me, but I wanted more. I wrapped my arm around his upper back and pulled his body close against mine. He pulled back slightly, looking into my eyes pensively… I knew he was worried that I was drunk, but, even though I didn't realize it at first, I wanted this from the moment I saw him._  
_  
_Fuck, I _have_ to stop thinking about this. About him and how perfectly his body fit against mine. About the way his fingertips left trails of fire on me when he dragged them softly across my skin. Shaking my head, I stand and will myself up the stairs, into my bedroom. Undressing in front of the mirror, my eyes drift to the places on my body where he left his mark on me. The bruised skin has since healed, but it taunted me for days, reminding me of the delicious mix of pleasure and pain I felt as he kissed and sucked along my neck, dragging his teeth across my shoulder and down my chest, nibbling on my skin. And now, just thinking about him, my body responds, producing an erection. I pull down my boxer briefs, relieving some of the pressure on my dick, and crawl into bed. I know that I won't be able to sleep until I take care of it, so I lower my hand under the covers and give in to the memories. Lightly ghosting my hand over myself, I close my eyes and continue to remember.

_After the first few soft kisses, he guided me onto my back and laid my head softly onto his pillow. Lying beside me, still propped up on his elbow, he stared into my eyes while running his other hand over my chest and down my torso. Leaning forward, he kissed me again and ran his tongue along my lips, silently asking for entry. Opening my mouth to him, our tongues moved expertly against each other, the kiss becoming increasingly passionate as I tangled my fingers in his soft golden curls. He threw his leg across my body and I quickly pulled him on top of me so he was straddling my hips, and I could feel his hard-on lightly brushing against my own, teasing me. I moved my hands to the bottom of his t-shirt, brushing the skin at his waist before running my fingers up and down his muscled back. Breaking the kiss, he pushed himself up to a sitting position, directly on my dick, causing me to moan loudly because it felt so fucking good. Smirking at me, he ripped his t-shirt over his head and fuck, he looked so sexy sitting on top of me with his blond curls falling into his face. I sat up, removing my t-shirt and pulled his warm, bare chest into mine._

_"Fuck, Edward, you feel so good," he groaned before attacking my mouth again and pushing me back down onto the bed._

I quicken my strokes, encouraged by the memories of him, of his chest pressed against mine, his mouth pressed against mine, his fucking _cock _pressed against mine. I know I'll regret this later, but I'm in too deep to stop now.

_Suddenly, something in the air shifted and desire morphed into pure need. Our kisses became frantic and our hands desperate, trying to touch everywhere at once. Turning my head to the side, I exposed my neck to him, which he sucked and bit greedily. I moaned at the sensation, knowing that he was marking me, but completely unable to care. I fucking wanted it. He nibbled back up to my ear and whispered, "God, Edward, you're so fucking hot. Let me make you feel good."_

_I groaned loudly at his words, begging him, "Please, Jasper… please." I was completely at his mercy._

_He resumed kissing down my chest, flicking my nipples with his tongue until I gasped. Moving lower, he planted open-mouthed kisses across my stomach while undoing my belt and unbuttoning my pants. He briefly looked up at me, catching me staring at him, and gave me a quick wink before pulling my jeans off and tossing them to the side. He stood up and quickly removed his own jeans, leaving him in a simple pair of black boxer briefs. I wanted him so much, I could barely stand it, whimpering for him to come back to me. Crawling back onto the foot of the bed, he pushed himself up to his knees and started running his fingers along my thighs. His hands lightly pushed my knees apart, silently asking me to make room for his body. Once he settled between my legs, we started kissing again, exploring each other's mouths and all I could feel was skin everywhere. I reached my hands down to his firm, round ass and squeezed, pulling his hips against mine and he was so fucking hard... because of me...  
_  
_"Fuck, Edward!" he growled. "Are you sure? Because once we start, I don't think I'm going to be able to stop."_  
_  
I smiled at him, and softly groaned, "Please. I want you, Jasper."  
_  
_His resolve finally snapped at my words and he started grinding against me in slow circles, while practically fucking my mouth with his tongue. My wanton moans spurred him to move faster, grind against me harder as the pressure coiling in my body threatened to overcome me... ungh, I was so fucking close, but I kept trying to delay my orgasm, because the buildup felt too fucking good.  
_  
_Jasper leaned down, threading his hands into my hair, and whispered into my ear, "Cum for me, Edward."_

_No one had ever talked to me like that before. I grabbed his hips and pulled them against mine, thrusting up against him one, two, three more times. As I threw my head back into the pillow everything exploded around me, white sparks of light pulsing behind my eyelids, my body shaking from the force of my orgasm. I forced my eyes open just in time to see Jasper come undone above me. He looked beautiful, with his head thrown back, lips parted, whimpering my name. A moment later he collapsed onto my chest, and with a lazy smile said, "Jesus, Edward. That was amazing." I smiled and nodded in agreement, but amazing was an understatement. It was a fucking revelation._  
_  
_Stroking myself faster, with a twist of my wrist over the head of my dick, I cum almost as hard at the memory. But when I open my eyes, I'm reminded that that's all it was… a memory. I clean myself off with my discarded underwear, then reach into my nightstand, pulling out a bottle of Tylenol PM and quickly swallow two pills. I won't be able to sleep tonight without them, because my mind would just keep buzzing with unanswered questions. Lying back down, I close my eyes, feeling the cavernous ache in my chest threaten to swallow me whole.

The next morning, I wake up to an incessant pounding on my door. Looking at the clock, I see that it's 8am. On a Saturday.

"Edward! Open the fucking, door! I'm finished enabling your pity party!"

God damn pixie. I should have known this was going to happen eventually. Dragging myself out of bed, I throw on some sleep pants and a t-shirt and open the door.

"Look, Alice, I'm not in the fucking mood," I growl, walking back to my bed and collapsing onto it face first. I'm hoping that if I'm rude enough she'll turn around and walk right back out.

"Yeah, well, I brought doughnuts and coffee to make up for the time." Sitting on the edge of my bed, her voice softens considerably with her next words, "Edward, please, talk to me. I know that something happened to you when you visited Emmett at school and I'm not going to let you keep shutting me out. You're my best friend and I love you too much."

She reaches her arm out and starts stroking my hair, and it actually feels nice to have physical contact with another person. "It hurts me to see you like this," she says. "This isn't you." I sigh heavily, turning to face to her. Obviously, the way I've been trying to deal with things hasn't been working and I know that my emotional state is only going to get worse in the next few days as his visit approaches. My stomach twists into knots and tears spring to my eyes as I contemplate telling Alice everything.

"Alice, I... I... don't know what to do. I'm so fucking stupid and I can't fucking stand it anymore." I sit up, pulling my knees into my chest, leaning my head onto them.

Alice wraps her tiny arms around me. "Whatever it is, we'll fix it. But I can't help if I don't know what we're dealing with."

I stay silent for a moment, shifting myself to sit cross-legged. Alice hands me a glazed doughnut, which I pick at before responding.

"Okay."

She sits in front of me, patiently waiting for me to start talking. I tell her about how excited I was to see Emmett and have some fun checking out UDub. I tell her about meeting Jasper and the connection I felt with him right away. I tell her about getting drunk and kissing him and how I've never felt anything more wonderful than falling asleep in his arms. Except maybe waking up in them. Then I tell her about what happened the next day.

_I woke up the next morning to little butterfly kisses peppering my face and warm arms enveloping me. A voice, thick with sleep, slowly drawled, "Wake up, sleepyhead."_

_I responded by snuggling deeper into Jasper's embrace and grunted, "Nuh, uh."_

_Feeling a low rumble of laughter in his chest, he gave me a squeeze and said, "We've got to get up and moving. It's almost lunchtime and Emmett will be back soon. How are you feeling?"  
_  
_I wasn't sure if he was referring to my emotional or physical state, but I could tell that he expected me to feel reluctant about what happened between us. And I didn't… at all… which even surprised me. Smiling up at Jasper, I kissed him square on the lips and told him that I'd never felt better.  
_  
_I hopped up out of Jasper's bed and made my way over to Emmett's, messing it up slightly as if I had actually slept in it. As if on cue, Emmett threw open the door, yelling, "Hey guys, what's up? You ready to eat? I hope so, because I'm fucking starving! And Jesus, Edward, put some fucking clothes on!"  
_  
_My face immediately turned red and Jasper responded before I had the chance, "Sure thing Em, give us 20 minutes and we'll be ready to go." I looked over at him and he gave me a wink and a smile, causing me to blush even more._  
_  
The rest of the day was great, with Emmett & Jasper showing me around campus - I could definitely see myself going to school there, and it didn't hurt that whenever Emmett wasn't looking, Jasper would flash me a sexy wink, or sneak a quick pat on my butt. As the day got later, we headed back to the dorms to change into our costumes for the Halloween party. I dressed up as a surgeon, wearing my favorite "Trust me, I'm a Doctor" t-shirt, while Emmett dressed up as a bear, which had something to do with Rosalie's costume._

_Then Jasper walked into the room and my mouth fell open.  
_  
_He was dressed as a cowboy and it was the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen. My dick thought so, too, as he decided to try to get a closer look as well… thank God for the lab coat I was wearing. Jasper was wearing jeans and cowboy boots, with a sleeveless flannel shirt unbuttoned, exposing his tan, perfectly rippled abs. His outfit was topped off by a cowboy hat and a huge belt buckle that doubled as a bottle opener. I immediately pictured myself pulling him against me by that buckle to open a beer, accidentally rubbing my dick on him in the process.  
_  
_I knew I was going to be in for a long night. Emmett needed to use the restroom before we took off, and when he left I couldn't help but grab Jasper and whisper in his ear, "You look so fucking hot" before kissing him and shoving my tongue in his mouth._

_When I pulled away, he smirked at me while running his hand down my chest, palming my cock before saying, "In that case, it looks like I better hold onto this outfit for special occasions, Dr. Cullen." All I could do was groan before Emmett came back into the room.  
_  
_The three of us headed out to the frat party and were having a really good time. We all loosened up after a few drinks, and I finally got to meet Rosalie, Emmett's new girlfriend, who was dressed as Goldilocks, hence the bear costume. I was forced to roll my eyes every time Rosalie said that Emmett was 'just right.'  
_  
_Jasper and I flirted all night and even snuck away for a few not-so-innocent kisses in a dark corner. Later in the evening, I decided to head back to the keg for a refill and asked the group if anyone needed a beer. Jasper asked me to grab one for him. I was a little disappointed that he didn't come with me, but went ahead and waited in line, filling up two cups before going back outside, thinking that Jasper would definitely owe me for my efforts.  
_  
_Everyone had left the spot we were previously occupying, so I started looking around for anyone I knew. After doing a quick walk around the party, I peered around the side of the frat house and that's where I found Jasper… pressed up against the wall, with another guy's fucking tongue down his throat. This guy had his hands all over my Jasper and it made me sick to my stomach. I wasn't in Jasper's line of vision, but whoever the guy was saw me and winked._

_Fucking winked.  
_  
_Feeling like I had been punched in the gut, I dropped the cups and ran to find Emmett, desperate to get the fuck out of there. I told him I wasn't feeling well and wanted to head back to his place, but he should stay and enjoy the rest of the party. I walked back to the dorms so fucking pissed off at myself. What the fuck was I thinking? When I got back to the dorm room, I sat on Emmett's bed and the evening really started to sink in. Fuck, I would've got in my car and drove back to Forks right then if I hadn't been drinking.  
_  
_Instead, I set my alarm to vibrate at 5am so I could leave after sleeping off some of the alcohol. Then, I took off my clothes and crawled into Emmett's bed, only allowing a few stray tears to fall before I fell asleep. The next morning, I left a note for Emmett telling him that I had to leave earlier than I had originally planned to work on a school project. I tried not to look at Jasper as I left, but he was lying in bed with his blanket only covering up to his waist and his curls falling over his face. He looking so fucking beautiful that it broke my heart. Taking a shaky breath, I turned and walked out the door._  
_  
_I look up at Alice, who had listened to my entire story without interruption. Throwing her arms around me, she says, "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry."

After a moment, I pull back from her hug and respond, "The thing is, Ali, I don't know what any of this means. Am I fucking gay? I mean, I just had my heart broken by a guy, so I'd say that's pretty convincing evidence. But I've been with girls before. All I know for sure is that I've never felt anything as good as I felt when I was with Jasper. And now, Emmett's bringing him here to spend Thanksgiving with us and I don't know how I'm going to stand it. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack just thinking about it." I'm practically hyperventilating at the end of this rant and feel my anger bubbling up again.

"Fuck! I'm so fucking sick of this! I'm sick of being angry and upset and feeling like shit! And I hate him for making me feel this way, but he's all I can think about!" With a defeated voice, I ask, "What am I going to do, Ali?"

Christ, I'm fucking pathetic.

"Listen to me, Edward. You don't have to know or do anything right now. You don't have to make any decisions about your sexuality, or Jasper, or anything. And I love you no matter what, and so will your family and your friends. So don't worry about it yet."

I snort at her response, but she just holds me for a while. It felt good to get everything out of my head, even if it doesn't really assuage the pain that I feel in my chest. After a few more moments, Alice finally pulls away and turns my face toward her own. "Edward? I think we should get out of the house for a little while. Why don't you take a shower and I'll find something for us to do?"

I don't have the heart to tell her that taking showers are the worst part of my day, because there's nothing to distract me from my thoughts in there. Half of the time I end up sitting on the tile floor until the water runs cold. It's the only time I'll actually give in and let my tears flow shamelessly, since there's no one to see me fall apart.

"Sounds good, Ali," I lie, "and thanks for listening."

By the following Tuesday, I'm even more of a wreck. Alice has been coming over every day, trying to coax me out of the house, actually succeeding a few times. She thought I needed some new clothes to ensure that I look, in her words, 'super hot' when Jasper shows up, so I let her drag me to the mall and update my wardrobe. She's been able to distract me briefly, but every time I think about him being here, in _my_ fucking house, I feel sick to my stomach. I'm so angry at him, but at the same time, in a sick way, I'm actually excited to see him again. I plan on spending as much time in my bedroom as possible over the holiday and even though Emmett will definitely notice that I'm avoiding him, I don't know how else to deal with it. Thankfully, the pixie will be here first thing in the morning, so I won't have to deal with their arrival alone. Getting into bed, I shut off the lights and reached for the Tylenol PM again, praying for a dreamless, full night's sleep.

Unfortunately, I wake up several times throughout the night with my heart racing, so when Alice knocks on my door at 11am, I'm still in bed. She walks in, immediately exclaiming, "Edward. Fuck! Didn't you get any sleep last night?"

I groan and shake my head no, explaining, "I woke up five times. I can't believe they're going to be here today."

Alice walks over to my bed, putting her coffee down on my nightstand before hopping into bed next to me. "We'll get through this, Edward. Lay back down for bit and tonight I'll dress you up for the rez party so you look like sex on a stick."

"Alice, I have no idea what that means."

"You don't have to know what it means. Now get some rest." She wraps her tiny arms around me and I close my eyes. They're not the arms that I'm aching to feel, but they're comforting enough for now.

Until I wake up with a start to hear Emmett yelling, "Shit, sorry Eddie!"

Alice opens her eyes and yawns, muttering, "What's going on? Fuck, I must've fallen asleep, too. What time is it?" Looking at my clock I see that it's 2pm. The exact time Emmett is due home. He must've come in to let me know he was here, which means Jasper is here, too.

Fuck.

My pulse starts racing.

_I can't fucking do this._

There's already a pain in my chest like my heart is breaking all over again and I haven't even seen him yet. What the fuck am I going to do?

Looking at me bleary eyed, Alice senses my internal freak out and snaps her fingers at me, exclaiming, "Hey! Look at me. Get in the shower while I pick out your outfit, Edward. You can't put this off forever. You're really going to hurt Emmett's feelings if you don't even say hi to him. We'll go downstairs, say hello and walk right out the door. Okay?"

I nod, because I know she's right, then go into the bathroom taking deep breaths, showering as quickly as possible, because I do not want to spend more time alone in there than absolutely necessary. Alice is kind enough to lay a simple outfit on the bed for me – jeans and a plain black tee, finishing off the look with my chucks and a black cuff. She then proceeds to put some crap in my hair that somehow makes it look even messier than when she started. "Alright, you're all set. Are you ready to go downstairs?"

"No." I respond, "But do I have a choice?"

"No. So let's go." Alice opens the door and I immediately hear Emmett's booming laugh. God, I really miss him, and it sucks that I'm going to avoid him the whole time he's home. I walk down the stairs as slowly as humanly possible, Alice leading the way. Before walking into the living room, she turns to me and says, "You look fucking miserable right now, Edward. I don't care how hard it is, put a fucking smile on your face and pretend that you're fine. Got it?"

Steeling my nerves, I simply nod back at Alice and say, "Let's get this over with."

She walks in first, yelling Emmett's name while he picks her into one of his signature bear hugs. As soon as I walk into the room, everything starts moving in slow motion. I'm going through the motions of saying hi and giving Emmett a hug, but it almost feels like an out of body experience, like I'm watching it happen to someone else. When a throat clears behind Emmett, the hair on the back of my neck stands on end. I can feel his eyes on me. My eyes dart in his direction, immediately locking onto his face, and I'm suddenly frozen to my spot.

Emmett saves the day before I look like a complete idiot by introducing Alice to Jasper, forcing him to break his gaze with me. Alice narrows her eyes at him while shaking his hand. He drawls out his greeting to her and hearing his voice again soothes, excites and angers me at the same time. I feel my chest start to constrict and I've had enough. I have to get out of here before my delicately constructed mask cracks. All I want to do is run, but instead, I give a quick wave in his direction and say, "Hey," without really looking at him. Emmett and Alice start making plans to meet up at the rez party tonight, after Emmett sees some high school friends earlier in the evening. After a few moments, Alice interrupts his ramblings, telling him that we've got to run, but will see them later tonight. As soon as we get outside, I finally feel like I can breathe again.

"See, Edward? You actually survived."

I respond, my voice dripping with sarcasm, "Yeah, it was awesome. It's a fucking miracle that I didn't completely fall apart in there. Let's get the fuck out of here."

Several hours later I find myself driving to the reservation with Alice sitting in the front seat of my Volvo. She dressed me in dark jeans, a white button down with the sleeves rolled up and a black skinny tie. She even made me put on my square black-framed glasses that I'm supposed to use when I drive, but rarely do. I feel like a dork, but she swore up and down to trust her, that I looked hot.

As soon as we park and get out of the car, I start to sense that coming here was a really bad idea. Having to interact with all these happy people is just going to make me feel like shit. Running my fingers through my hair nervously, I walk up to Paul and Embry, hoping that I can become an invisible participant in their boisterous conversation. It works and I'm able to turn my mind off for a little bit, until I feel an arm wrap around my shoulder and knuckles raking across my scalp. I grab onto the arm with both hands, struggling to get out of Emmett's grasp, but I know that it's no use, and yell, "Shit, Em, you're ruining my 'do here!"

The rest of the guys are laughing their asses off, and Emmett responds, saying "Yeah, right, bro, I'm just helping you perfect the just rolled out of bed look. Since that's how I found you earlier... with Ali." After a chorus of oohs and aahs, he finally releases me to greet everyone properly.

"Hey, guys, how ya doing? I want you to meet my roommate, Jasper. Come here, Jas!" I sneak away while Emmett's giving introductions and head toward the keg. Ali's my designated driver, since she's not much of a drinker, and I think I deserve to get drunk tonight. Throughout the evening, I go through the motions of interacting with my friends, but my heart's not in it. I chance a peek over at Jasper and even though he's got a smile on his face while talking to Emmett, I can tell that it's not reaching his eyes... he looks sad.

_God, why is he here and torturing me? And why the hell do I care if he looks sad?__  
_  
Pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers, I realize that I'm probably feeling a little emotional from the alcohol. I walk away from the crowd, thinking that I should find Alice and leave before I do anything stupid. Of course, that's the exact moment when my buddy Riley walks up and offers me a hit off his joint, which I accept even though I know it's probably not a good idea. I sit down when the few drags I take seem to hit me all at once and my brain starts to feel a little fuzzy.

Riley is talking, saying that he's glad to see me out and we should hang out together sometime soon. We've never really been close friends, but I nod in agreement anyway. A moment later, his hand is on my knee, but I'm not sure when he put it there. I turn to ask him what he's doing, but before I can get the words out, he leans forward and presses his lips against mine.

_Holy shit, Riley's gay! And likes me?_

His lips are soft and warm, but they don't feel nearly as good as Jasper's did when he kissed me. But, Jasper doesn't want me.

I have to move on.

Right?

That's what Alice would say, so I tilt my head, close my eyes, and pucker back. But there's none of the passion, or desire, or electricity that I felt when Jasper kissed me, and I open my eyes with a defeated sigh. Unfortunately, Riley misinterprets it as desire, so he reaches up, grasping my face between his hands, and runs his tongue along my lips trying to deepen the kiss.

With my head tilted to the side, I catch a glimpse of blond curls over Riley's shoulder. My stomach clenches and my heart jumps into my throat. Azure blue eyes lock on mine and widen in shock. I quickly pull away from Riley, mumbling an apology, and stand up. Looking back to Jasper, anger flashes across his face.

_What the hell?_

I can't fucking deal with this. Turning on my heel, I quickly walk away to hide in the trees that line the clearing. Riley calls out my name out behind me, but I just keep walking until I'm out of sight and lean against a large tree with my head in my hands.

God, my life is fucked up. I knew I should've stayed in my room until this godforsaken week was over. Fucking Alice.

Suddenly, my body starts tingling. He followed me out here. Without opening my eyes, I know that it's Jasper and can feel his proximity to me. Slowly, he drawls out my name, "Edward? Are you okay?"

And I fucking snap.

"Seriously? Not you, too. No, clearly I'm not okay. But don't let me ruin your fun this weekend. Why don't you go find some guy to confuse the shit out of, make out with, and then toss aside? Riley seems to be into guys, and maybe he won't have a problem with being used." With that, I slump down onto the ground, pinching my eyes shut tightly, because I really don't want Jasper to see me cry.

His voice is venomous as he responds, "What the fuck are you talking about? Talk about being used... was I some kind of fucking experiment for you, before you freaked out and snuck away, back to your precious little girlfriend? And you have the nerve to say that I used you? Fuck you, Edward." I look up as he turns away from me. What the hell is he talking about? There's no way he's going to make me look like the bad guy. I don't fucking think so.

Quietly, with a shaky voice, I tell him, "I saw you, Jasper." My heart feels like it's breaking all over again, remembering how much it hurt to see that guy's lips all over him.

He turns back around, narrowing his eyes at me and spits, "You saw what, Edward?"

God, he's actually going to make me say it. _Out loud_.

"I saw you with that guy at the Halloween party."

My voice cracks on the last word and I finally break. My eyes tear up and I rest my forehead on my knees, pulled tightly into my chest, so I'm curled into a ball. I hear him utter the word, "Fuck," under his breath and briefly look up.

Yeah. You got caught, asshole.

He starts back over to me and I quickly put my head back down. Squatting down next to me, I can feel his penetrating gaze.

"Edward? Please look at me. We really need to talk."

He puts his hand on my shoulder and even though it feels amazing that he's touching me, I try to shake it off. "Just leave, Jasper. Leave me alone."

Instead, he starts rubbing slow circles with his thumb on my arm. He sighs, and mutters, "God damn it. I can't believe I let this happen. Please, Edward. I need you to listen to me." He sounds desperate, pleading with me, but I know that I can't trust him.

He takes my lack of a response as a sign to keep talking. "I had an amazing time with you the weekend you visited." I snort sarcastically, but Jasper continues, "I felt such a strong connection to you right away. I've never felt that way with anyone before. When we kissed it felt like my heart was going to explode because I was so excited, and being with you felt so good. But not just good, that's not the right word. It felt right."

"The next morning, I loved waking up with you in my arms, but I was also scared. Scared that you were going to regret everything that happened. Scared that you would reject me, and that you would think that I took advantage of you. But then, you proved me wrong. I mean, I'll never forget the way you smiled at me when you woke up, it was absolutely beautiful. And spending the day with you and Emmett was amazing… I don't know if you realized it, but every time your arm brushed against mine or you patted me on the shoulder to ask me a question, I got butterflies in my stomach. Then, that night at the Halloween party, you were so fucking sexy, letting me sneak you into hidden corners to steal kisses from you."

He sighs heavily before continuing, "When you asked me if I needed anything to drink, I spotted James."

_James._

So that's his name. I turn my head away from Jasper, because I really don't want to know what happened next. But he continues, anyway.

"I briefly dated James when school first started. We only went out a few times, but I broke things off with him because he was way too aggressive for me. The night I ended things, we were outside of the dorms saying goodnight and he suddenly he pushed me against the wall, holding my wrists in his hands so I couldn't move. I asked him to stop and let go, but he just said that he knew I wanted it because I had been teasing him all night. Luckily, I saw Emmett walking in at that moment and yelled out his name. James let go immediately and Emmett ran over to make sure I was okay. I quickly told James not to call me again and went inside.

"I didn't know he would be at the party, and when I saw him walking toward me I wanted to deal with him before he made a scene. I mean, people know that I'm gay, I'm out, but I knew that this was all new to you and didn't want you to be uncomfortable. So I asked you to get me a drink. I waited until you were out of sight, then headed toward James, who asked me if we could talk. He led me over to the side of the frat house and started asking me why I didn't want him; if it's because I thought I was too good for him. He was drunk, and I could sense that he was starting to get irrational. He said that he was going to show me what I was missing and before I could push him away, he grabbed me and kissed me. I swear, Edward, I didn't kiss him back. I was shocked at first, so I didn't do anything but as soon as my brain function kicked back in, I threw him off of me. I told him to stay the hell away from me and that I was seeing someone else."

My eyes flicker up in surprise at his statement.

He continues, "Wishful thinking, I guess? I left him there without looking back, and searched all over the party for you. When I couldn't find you, I started to panic, but finally found Emmett and he told me that you had left. I ran straight back to the dorms and found you asleep in Emmett's bed. All I wanted to do was wake you up and hold you, but I couldn't understand why you would leave without finding me first. I was so pissed at myself. I didn't know if you started to regret everything that happened between the two of us or if you really felt sick and I wasn't there to help you. I figured I should let you get some rest, though, and we could figure it out in the morning. But when I woke up you were gone. I found the note that you left for Emmett and just broke down. And broke a few items in the dorm room as well. But, Edward, I've been a mess since you left. I think about you all the time. I've been moody and antisocial; I think Emmett's ready to kill me."

This can't be true. It's everything that I wanted to hear him say, but I'm so scared to let myself believe it, because if I let myself hope and he breaks my heart, I don't know how I'll survive.

"Edward, look at me." I finally look up into his eyes, shimmering with unshed tears. "I didn't get in touch with you because I thought that you probably hated me for making you think you might be gay. When Emmett invited me down here for Thanksgiving, I didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. But I had to know. I had to know if what I felt was real, so I accepted his offer. Fuck, and we're here for five minutes when Emmett tells me he caught you in bed with some girl. I had to excuse myself to the restroom because I felt physically ill. When you came into the room you looked so beautiful, and it was like I could breathe again now that I could see you, as if a heavy weight was lifted off of my chest. But you completely ignored me, barely looking at me, and I could see the anger in your eyes. And I was sure that it was my fault, just turns out it's not exactly for the same reason I thought. Can you forgive me, Edward? For being such an idiot that I let you go without a fight?"

He puts his hand on my cheek and I unconsciously lean into it. His blue eyes have turned darker with emotion and it's impossible for me to say no to him, I want this so much. I reach my hand out and run it up the soft skin of his neck to grip his wild blond curls. Groaning with desperation, he begs, "Please, Edward."

And it's enough. Enough for me to realize that he wants me as much as I want him. Enough for me to understand that he's been hurting as much as I've been.

I don't think I can trust my voice to work right now, so instead I pull his face to mine and kiss him… _hard_. Our mouths open and our tongues tangle together almost violently, as if all of the pain and hurt of the last few weeks is taking residence in that kiss.

Wrapping his arms around me he pulls me in so tightly that I almost can't breathe, and have to break the kiss for oxygen. He continues to cover my skin with kisses, tucking his face into my neck, chanting, "I'm so fucking sorry," over and over. And, God, it feels so good to be close to him again. Nuzzling into him, he smells even better than I remember, and I just want to lose myself in him.

Of course, at that moment, I feel my cell phone vibrate in my pocket and I'm jarred back into reality, realizing that Alice has probably been looking for me. "Jasper," I whisper.

No response, he just keeps sucking at my neck.

"Jasper, wait" I say, a little louder this time.

He immediately stiffens at my words and I quickly explain, "No, I just got a text message. It's probably from Alice. She's supposed to drive my car home for me."

He pulls his lips away from me with an, "Oh, okay," but leaves his arms wrapped around my shoulders. I lean into his chest while pulling out my cell phone, because I can't stop touching him now that I have him again. Opening my phone, I read Alice's text, which says:

_I caught another ride home. I think you'll be able to find a willing driver. I'll be waiting to hear all about it tomorrow._  
_  
_Psychic little pixie. I ask Jasper if he's been drinking and he responds with a peck on my forehead, telling me, "No. I stopped a while ago. It was just making me feel worse, you know? Why?"

"Can you drive my car back to the house?"

He nods, and I smile widely at him and say, "Good. Let's get out of here."

He quickly texts Emmett and we sneak over to my car, avoiding the crowd of drunk people. Once inside the Volvo, he grabs my hand over the console, giving me a smile that finally reaches his eyes and shows off his dimples. And all I can do is stare, with amazement that he really wants me, too. When we get back to my house I pull him directly up to my bedroom. Once I close and lock the door behind us, Jasper pushes me against it, pressing his lips to mine again and again. Looking at me through his long lashes, he pulls his bottom lip in between his teeth and says, "Edward, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Jasper. What is it?"

"Why were you kissing that guy tonight?"

_Shit, Riley._

"I mean," he continues, 'I'm actually a little grateful, because it helped me realize that I might still have a chance with you, but it hurt like hell to see it."

I hate that he had to see that, but, he's right, what would've have happened otherwise? Would we have danced around each other all weekend, walking on eggshells, not talking?

"Honestly," I tell him, "I don't know. When he leaned in toward me, I figured that I should at least try to kiss another guy, since I couldn't have you. But it felt completely wrong, because it wasn't you and you were all that I wanted." Jasper grins at me, absolutely beaming, then grabs me by my tie and starts walking backward, pulling me toward my bed. And all of the lust for him that I had hidden under a thick layer of hurt comes bursting through right then.

I'm ready to fucking attack him. As the back of his knees hit the mattress, I push him back forcefully and climb up his body, straddling his waist.

"Fuck, Edward, come _here_," he groans, pulling me down to lay on top of him.

Our mouths meet, passionately opening and closing against each other, swallowing each others moans. We're both panting and I can feel his arousal pressing against my own and it feels so fucking good.

I groan, "I need to see you Jasper."

He starts unbuttoning my shirt while I pull the tie over my head. And I realize that I hadn't even noticed what he was wearing until right now. His cowboy style shirt is secured by pearl button snaps, perfect for me to grasp and tear open, which I do, exposing his tan, muscled chest to me.

God, he's so fucking hot.

Rolling off of him, I shrug off my shirt and Jasper stands up in front of me as his hands move to the front of my jeans. He quickly unbuttons, unzips and pulls them off of my body. Then he throws his own shirt off his arms and undoes his jeans, kicking them off onto the floor.

He moves to climb back onto the bed, but I stop him.

"Wait, Jasper."

He looks at me confused, until I say, "Everything," glancing to his boxer briefs. I've been fantasizing about his body for weeks now and I need to see all of him.

He blushes and looks at me shyly, but complies, moving his thumbs under the waistband and removing his underwear in a fluid motion. I never thought I'd be so turned on by a man, but his body is absolutely _perfect_. I moan and stretch my arms out for him to come back to me. When he reaches me, he leans over and starts kissing and licking my stomach, as his fingers grasp the waist of my boxer briefs.

He looks up at me, quirking an eyebrow in question.

I nod, giving him permission and he pulls my underwear off of my body. He runs his hand up the length of my torso while continuing to lavish every inch of my skin with attention from his mouth.

Finally, he lays down next to me and returns his soft lips to my own as I drape my leg over his hip. I feel his hand slowly trailing down my chest, down my stomach until he reaches my dick and, _oh my god_, his hands on me feel so good. His thumb brushes over the head gathering the pre-cum that has beaded at the tip and spreads it around before pumping me in his fist. I wrap my arms around his neck and my hips involuntarily start thrusting into his hand. Breaking the kiss, I move my head so it's buried in the crook of his neck, because it's too fucking much to have his hands and lips on me, even though I know I'm not going to last long anyway.

I whimper, "So good, Jasper, _ungh_, so fucking good."

Pushing me onto my back, he starts kissing his way down my body. His mouth moves closer and closer to my cock, which he hasn't stopped stroking, and when I realize that he plans to put my dick into his mouth, my stomach clenches with anticipation. I pray that I don't blow my load as soon as his tongue touches me. I look down just in time to see his lips touch the tip with a kiss, and with his eyes locked onto mine, he parts his lips and takes me into his mouth… it's the most erotic fucking thing I've ever seen. He flicks at my sensitive slit with his tongue, causing my toes to curl up while I moan his name. I'm wound so tight that have to look away or else I'm going to cum. When he starts bobbing up and down on my length my hands fist the blanket, gripping it for dear life as I try to hold off just a little longer. It feels like all of my nerve endings are on fire as the delicious tension coils tighter and tighter in my stomach.

I'm _right fucking there_.

I open my eyes to look at Jasper at the same moment that he takes me all the way into his mouth, his throat squeezing the head of my cock as he swallows around me. The sight of him looking at me, coupled with the sensations he's creating in my body, causes me to explode with a yell and I'm cursing and thrashing underneath him as I feel wave after wave of my orgasm pulse into his mouth.

As Jasper climbs back up on the bed to lie next to me, I give him a lazy smile and eloquently state, "Fuck. That was amazing," while my body continues trembling. He lays his arm across my chest, snuggling closer to me, and his hard on presses against my thigh. Realizing that he hasn't had any relief yet, I ask, "Can I touch you, Jasper?" Fuck, I want to watch him cum. I want to _make _him cum.

He looks down shyly. "You don't have to do that, Edward. I wanted to make you feel good."

I gently pull his chin up with my finger until he looks into my eyes. "I want to, Jasper. Please, let me touch you."

He smiles at me and nods, turning to lay flat on his back while I bring my hand to my mouth and lick it until it's coated in saliva. Reaching down, I wrap my hand around his length and start stroking him at a leisurely pace, pausing to run my thumb back and forth just under the tip every few strokes. He moans, "Ungh, Edward, that feels so fucking good. Please, don't stop."

He starts pumping his hips into my hand, grunting as he fists his hands in my hair and pulls my lips to his. He tells me that he's close, so I quicken my movements and his moans turn constant, his thrusts erratic. His body starts to shake and his abdominal muscles contract hard. He breathes out my name just before I feel his orgasm pulse through my hand and onto our stomachs.

Finally, we collapse onto each other, fully sated, physically and emotionally exhausted, with our limbs tangled together. After a few moments, I smile at Jasper and mention that I should get something to clean us off with, before we fall asleep in this sticky mess. He nods sleepily and responds, "Sounds good, baby," giving me a quick peck on the cheek. His casual term of endearment surprises me and warms my heart at the same time. I wash my hands quickly, then come back with a wet washcloth and wipe the evidence of our passion off of Jasper's stomach.

I grab our underwear off the ground and pull mine back on while Jasper does the same. He looks over at me a little nervously, unsure of what he should do now. Silly boy, I can't wait to fall asleep in his arms. I pull back the covers of my bed and quirk an eyebrow at him. He smiles and climbs in, wrapping his arms around me tightly.

With his lips pressed against my forehead he whispers, "We're going to make this work, Edward. Luckily, you don't live too far away from school and I really fucking hope you decide to apply there." My heart swells, because he is telling me that he wants me… wants this… wants us. And I want it too, so fucking much.

Playfully, I look up at him and say, "I'm not sure if I'm sold on UDub yet, Jasper. I may check out a few schools in Texas, because apparently, I've got a thing for cowboys."

He laughs and exaggerating his drawl, responds, "Shit, darlin'. Don't you worry. I'll be all the cowboy you need. And I've got the hat and boots to prove it." I smile, genuinely for the first time in weeks, and there's no doubt in my mind that he's right.

The next morning, I wake up surrounded by everything Jasper, his warm skin, his spicy smell, his soft hair, and feel truly happy. As I snuggle in closer to his chest he wakes up and tightens his hold around me. I sigh contentedly and Jasper greets me, his voice thick with sleep, "Good morning, baby… and Happy Thanksgiving." He pulls my chin up to look in his eyes and asks, "Are you okay? With everything?"

And yeah. Waking up wrapped in his arms, I'm so much better than okay. But instead of telling him that, I reply, "There is something that I'm worried about, Jasper."

He furrows his brow and asks, "What can I do to help?" his voice laced with concern while tracing his fingertips along my cheek.

I smile back at him, my eyes shining with mischief and laugh, "You can be the one to explain this to Emmett."

He throws his head back laughing, then pulls me in close to him, whispering into my ear, "Edward, you are definitely worth the ass-kicking I'm about the get. Now let's get this over with so I can drag you back in here and kiss you senseless."

I am absolutely fucking okay with that.

We walk into Emmett's room, hand in hand. He looks up groggily, eyes confusedly darting back and forth between Jasper and I, and asks, "Edward? What's up? You okay?"

I shift my eyes over toward Jasper, and he's wearing a face-splitting grin that matches my own. As he wraps his arms around me, I simply say, "Fuck, yes, Emmett, I'm definitely okay now."

* * *

**I hope you guys enjoy the updated version!**


End file.
